The Dalai Lama Test

or The Truth about Cats & Dogs

I was going to say, some of my best friends are ……. people who send round mass circulation e-mails, jokes, photos, personality tests and the like, frequently ending with a stark warning or promise of great riches. But ok, now that I’m about to complete the Chinese zodiac for the fourth time, it’s time to own up: I’m a serial offender. A superficial reader (for goodness’ sake, I don’t even stop to use CAPs when I write e-mails in German, that’s how pressed for time I am) and undiscriminating forwarder of such messages. Often without reading them all the way to the end, only to realize days later that they veer off into horribly racist / sexist / sick “humour” as you scroll down. I’m probably on a good many people’s “instant delete” list by now, some of them my best friends’ ….

After the last hoax I unwittingly forwarded to dozens of unsuspecting e-mail users I vowed to myself, never again. Quit before it’s too late and serious damage is done. After all, I don’t want to end up in court for wrecking the French President’s most recent marriage by passing around alleged text messages he sent to wife no 2 about no 3, or was it no 4 - I’m sure he can do the job without any help from me.

But this one made me forsake my firm resolution (ok - inconsistency is my pet hobgoblin, the only one I’ve only got one of, by the way. All the other family pets come in pairs, rather like the passengers of Noah’s Ark). The message came from a friend working for the Female Health foundation, so that must be good. It didn’t threaten imminent, or indeed any disaster if you didn’t forward it. And while you have to be careful whose wise sayings you forward – mainly because of the tricky business of one man’s hero being another woman’s worst nightmare - no-one could possibly be offended by the Dalai Lama, unless they happened to be running the People’s Republic of China.

And what do you know, I got some positive feedback ! people seemed to welcome the opportunity to take five minutes out of their busy day to complete the test, smile at the result, make a wish, and possibly forward it to their friends. Just four questions, nothing too taxing involving multiplying square roots.

All the message said was that the mantra would leave your hands within 96 hours – I guess mantras, wishes and miracles have incubation periods – and that your wish would come true, without stating any time limit, like a good gift voucher. Who wouldn’t willingly allow themselves to believe in miracles while no-one’s watching, even if it’s only for the length of a silly little test ……

The test is about a person we’re all interested in, ie ourselves. Few would resist the temptation to find out who they really are – after all, there might be some hidden depths or strengths revealed that we never dreamt of ! if the message is negative, you can always discard it as total rubbish, along with the wishing business, which we all know deep down is complete codswallop – or is it ? Not that I’m likely to find out any time soon, mine won’t come up for fulfilment for another 30 years or so. But I’ll let you know.

First you’re given five animals which you rank in order of preference. Second, five nouns, including Cat and Dog, which you have to associate with adjectives. Third, five colours you associate with people you know. At the end all is revealed: the order of ranking shows your priorities in life; the Dog is yourself, the Cat is your partner, the adjectives are supposed to show how you see yourself and your partner – faithful and sweet ? positively canine ? protective ? strong? good-natured ? graceful? Sleek and seductive ? independent ?

Then there’s a bit about colours – not quite sure how the Dalai Lama distinguishes between “person you’ll always remember” and “person you’ll never forget”, but I guess that’s for the spiritually advanced – however, you do get to find your twin soul and the person you really, really love. Then you repeat the wish and you’re done, back to business as usual.

Afterwards it’s fun, inspiring even, to compare notes – “what did you put for Dog ?” “like diamonds, a girl’s best friend” – wish I’d thought of that ! Guaranteed to get the poetic juices flowing in the most prosaic people. Except my husband, that is. The romantic soul put “hot” for “dog” and “fat” for “cat”.

Ps. Would you like to be on my mailing list ? I’d be happy to forward you the test.